If I had a stand up routine.

People always say I should do stand up. I said ya,  is it because you want free tomatoes when they throw them at me!?  I just get so nervous at people staring at me. What am I zoo animal?  Like I’m a monkey ready to do funny things. Now I’m all for them feeding me yummy banana stuff but I don’t think that’s how it works.

I do tell a good story though. When I was in middle school I was like a Britney Spears song I’m not a girl but not yet a woman when my period couldn’t decide whether it wanted to visit my vagina every month. So I asked Mr. Brooks if I could use the restroom as I thought I’d started. He said no. I responded “well I’ll pee all over you then” so he said “you can go but you’ll get after school suspension” after school be said “I don’t like you Mandi, you annoy me and didn’t stay in the class room like I asked.” I learned three things a. There are people who won’t like you. B. Mr. Brooks is an asshole. C. I should have peed on him and asked forgiveness later. Wait that’s not good advice. However seriously don’t ask permission but do it and ask forgiveness later is the best advice I’ve been given.

Speaking of being a woman,  I was surprised when my gyno said my vajay jay was stressed several years ago.  Now at the time I was single but I tried to give it care like the rest of my body. I had never had any kind of an pH imbalance before this. He recommended exercise, eating healthy and therapy. I thought that’s interesting. I get doing my kegals. However, what kind of food does my vajayjay like!?  How does it eat?  Then I was really curious to hear it talk to a counselor. Then he said no,   YOU need to destress. Ohhhh. Ya that made more sense. So I thought my vajayjay needed a partner. Nope. It apparently wasn’t interested. So it finally became balanced after I got a good job became happier and my over-all stress decreased.

I once was asked if I liked to party because I was a radio DJ. I said ya I love a good cake and punch!  He then said do you like a bump. I said “is that a dance?” Then my friend pulled me away and said he was talking about cocaine. My bad.

I once dated a guy I now refer to as the white castle guy. We dated for only a couple of months and I  never called him my boyfriend. I realized I just didn’t like him as much as he liked me.  So he was leaving after a night where we barely kissed and as he walked to his car I said “enjoy your white castles(he was grabbbing dinner),  thanks for coming”. He stopped and as his face lit up like a Christmas tree, he walked back toward me and said “did you just say what I think you said!?” Yep he thought I said I love you. Apparently that’s what a tiny hamburger slider means to him.

Hope you laughed. So should I be a stand up comedienne?  Would it be wierd if I did it with my ass facing the audience and if they didn’t laugh in the fetal position with a donut in my hand… Ok a box of donuts!?

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