Feelings hurt…

Above photo gives me all the feels. Feeling of true love and  sadness because I miss my parents terribly at the holidays.

We say things like “all the feels” and we say it because life is a combination of feelings. The holidays are based on making people feel good. So when you don’t it hurts even more.

Don’t the holidays put lots of pressure on all  of us!?  When I was 18 my Mom was hospitalized at Christmas and I opened my last presents from her. I remember feeling like my optimistic holiday excitement was over. Two days after my Mom succumbed to Diabetes complications after an infection. I had to be there to watch her stop breathing. We buried her on New Year’s eve. So the holidays remind me of how badly I ache without family.

So every year I try to volunteer or give to replace the emptiness. One year I spent my last $50 on a needy family. When I arrived with the gifts they opened them and just pushed them away. I was heart broken. Did they not appreciate my gifts?  I let it ruin my good feeling of giving. I realized then you can’t depend on people to feel good. I’ve learned I do depend on people. While I  don’t ever give to get, when I give my feelings I expect someone to at the least give back the same. Well as you can imagine this bites me in the ass every time.

It’s time I take responsibility for me. I can only count on me to live the life I’ve imagined.  I will continue to give my monetary gifts and my heart.   However, I can’t get upset if they aren’t returned if I continue to let the person be in my life. Now excuse me as I’m going to eat my feelings… 😂😂😂

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