Read me if your Mom is alive.

Picture: my Aunt Sissy, me and my Mom, both deceased from Diabetes complications

My Mom used to play a game with me, how much do you love me? I’d say bigger than our house. Then she’d say I love you bigger than the whole neighborhood. I’d come back with something bigger. It’s funny cause the world gets in the way of that game when you get bigger.

My Mom’s heart broke when my Dad died when I was 7 and she couldn’t put it back together. She let her Diabetes go uncontrolled. She had a stroke then went blind. Then when I was in high school her bedroom turned into a hospital room because her kidneys were failing. My Grandma, G Michaels did dialysis 4 times a day. My Mom became depressed and I became pissed. I was mad at the disease not her but I was a teenager who didn’t know how to deal with the anger. I was short with her. I was a mean teenager. Once G and my Mom were coming with me to my speech banquet where I was really nervous because I was chosen to speak. We couldn’t find the wheelchair accessible door and I being an insecure teenager was embarrassed so I became angry with my Mom because she was causing a problem. I said “why can’t you be like other Moms. I remember her face and knew I was wrong to say it. How stupid right!? G told me years after she passed that my Mom thought I hated her. Tears well up in my eyes as I think about it. The fact she felt that way because of me.

If your Mom is alive, call her. Even when she is judgemental or doesn’t agree with you. I’d recommend not going to bed angry.

The day my Mom died was unexpected. She had gone in for a minor surgery but didn’t leave after 17 days in ICU. The call came when I was with my best friend Katie. I didn’t think this would happen. Her Mother with a head wrap on her head because she was fighting ovarian cancer was consoling me. Me! The irony of a woman battling cancer and finding strength for me just seems so wrong. We lost her later that year too.

I went to the hospital to unplug my Mom like she were a battery operated machine or something. She wasn’t coherent. For the first time I broke into tears. I ignored the fact she was in ICU. I thought it would go away like the other 100 hospital stays for Diabetes. I looked her in the eyes and begged for another chance to be better to her. Her eyes moved and I really feel she heard me. It’s like her eyes filled with tears ans she looked around frantically, like she was ready. However it was too late to apologize.

When you lose both parents so young people look at you with sad eyes. I went to the Doctor ย Shortly after and I could hear the nurse say “oh that poor girl…she has no parents” then you get to 30 and people barely say I’m sorry and I talk about it like I do the weather. It’s the birthdays and holidays that bring back the sad feelings of regret and loss.

Happy Birthday Mom. Thanks for teaching me about make up. Thanks for loving me even when I seemed to hate you.

Call your Mom.

 

Mandi

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